These few weeks have been hard ones for me. I lost my job on October 30th. A day that is filled with loss to its brim. October 30th marks the day I lost my father-in-law, the day I lost my parents, aunt, and a brother. Years ago now, but the waves still reverberate through my life. I didn’t think, as I walked out of the office for the last time, that I would be affected by it so much. Maami Babka told me once that just as time unfurls the leaves after winter, so my heart would unfurl after loss. I guess I’m still waiting for my spring to come.
I have no will to write or read or do anything much at all. I feel like a failure – as though all the words told to me as a child have come true.
My heart hurts. I miss Maami and Baba and Bibi Lemija. I miss Bibi Avjerie and Kako Baju. The passage of time has done nothing to fill the empty spaces. I feel useless, worthless, alone.
I’ll be back writing here soon… I have to be. I just need a little more time.
So hin učo oda svetos,
hej, de te merel, jaj, mušinav.
Hej, de te merel, jaj, mušinav,
hej, de ňič man Devla njič na dukhal
Joj, čori som, čori som,
čori man vičinen.
Joj, mek oda čoreder,
kas daj the dad nane
Jaj, de pro khoča man tuke mangav,
de odmukh mange, so me kerdjom.